The Password Is…

Creative Commons Zero Public Domain License/Dreamstime

By Jodi McWilliams

My computer was updated and upgraded this week and it’s running well. However, I had become accustomed to logging on to all my accounts easily because the computer remembered all the passwords.

Not anymore. I’m having to find and remember these again.

The following is a close-to-accurate account of an effort to get back into iCloud:

To recover your iCloud ID and password, please enter your email.
OK. I set that up about 15 years ago, so it might have “this email.”

Email does not match our records. Try again.
OK, here’s “another email,” but it’s not valid anymore.

That’s correct. We have sent you an email with a code. Type the code in “here.”
I can’t. It’s a Hotmail account that I haven’t logged into in years.

Do you want us to send a text to this number with a code to enter?
No, because that’s my old phone and it’s been deactivated since 2005.

We haven’t heard from you. Please enter the last 4 digits of your phone number.
My old phone number? OK, but why…

We have sent a text to your phone. Please enter that code “here.”
I DIDN’T GET IT BECAUSE IT ISN’T MY PHONE NUMBER ANYMORE!!

It looks like someone else is using your account. You have now been locked out of your account for your protection. Please answer these security questions.
GREAT! Those never change. Bring it.

Verify your birthdate.
ROLLIN ALONG NOW!

What is the name of your iPod?
Wait… my IPOD? I haven’t had an iPod since 2006. Um… Tony?

Incorrect. Would you like to reset your iCloud ID and password?
YES! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND LOVELY IN THE UNIVERSE. YES!

Please enter your current iCloud username and ID.
&’&%&%)     ^’)%^%@     *%#&….!

(OK, where’s the old Hotmail stuff? Maybe I can find that 4-digit code.)

Welcome! Hotmail is now Outlook! Type in your Hotmail username and ID.
(Deja-freakin-vu) Here you go!

Information entered does not match our records. Please type the following Captcha into the box.
What? Is that an L or a parrot? Do I have to capitalize that wavy “l”? Got it! Enter!

Incorrect. Click here for an Audio Captcha. Type the words you hear in the box: Mange. Liberty.Chancellor. Barfly. Cardinal. Batman. Hemorrhage. Redux. Asylum. Vauxhall. Barn. Merry. AntiqueDespairFreighterProsceniumFolkloreBasic
FresnelCausticJogColonoscopyMarsupial

WAIT, ALL OF THAT AT ONCE? IS IT MERRY, MARY OR MARRY?

Incorrect. It appears someone else may be using your account. You have now been locked out of your account for your protection. Would you like us to email you a recovery code?

I am 100% sure I spelled “Asylum” correctly.

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